Monday, October 10, 2011

Most challenging season of my life…

(Adoption Journey Update from Mary)

I haven’t blogged in a long time. We just passed the 7 month mark of having our Justus and Hanna Mercy home from Ethiopia….yes, It’s been wonderful, but at the same time, truly the hardest thing I’ve ever walked through…. For all 8 of us I’m sure, although my oldest daughter is now in Texas for a year at the Honor Academy.

Exhausted is how I feel most days and often wish to feel my “old self” again… the “old self” that used to have something left at the end of the day. At age 42 it’s not as easy to chase 2 toddlers and keep up with older kid’s schedules…. actually it’s very hard work that never ends… and then we go and put our house on the market (desperate for more space) and add house hunting to the mix over the summer. We did move… just 10 days ago, so it’s funny that I would sit here with an urge to write while still surrounded by many boxes… but it’s daddy’s day off and he is lying in the playroom with the “littles” climbing all over him… so I saw my little window to escape and for some reason feel compelled to write.

I read a blog a few days ago by Haley Ballast titled “Fake it till you make it”. I sent her a message thanking her for taking the time to be real with words, but confessing that this momma seems to fail at the “faking it” part now that we are so many months in. Basically when I’m frustrated… my kids see my frustration…. Which leads to me being even more frustrated with myself… it’s a crazy cycle and I’m so in need of Jesus to show me again and again how to love without condition… to respond and not react. I fail so many times…. then the enemy tries to put guilt on top of the frustration that someone else could do a better job…

My sweet 31 month old boy has come a long way, but has an emotional tank that doesn’t seem to ever get full. When he gets ALL my attention, he truly is the most wonderful, charming, active little boy, but as soon as anyone crosses his will, or when he has to share my attention with the baby, my older kids, or anyone else for that matter, he seems to resort to doing everything he knows he’s not supposed to do. Anything from pouring out his drink, hurting the baby, climbing the fridge, railings, doors, getting into anything he knows is off limits to him, basically challenging any structure to make sure he’s not going “unnoticed”.

The challenges daily… the anger and frustration I feel with myself for the many emotions that seem to come from feeling so at the end of my rope some days… the lies of the enemy that tell me Justus would have been better in a home where he would be the only focus. Halley sent me a message back and as I read it I could actually hear myself saying it to other moms… so why was I not speaking that truth back to myself?? I’m so thankful that God made us need each other in the body of Christ and that Haley from Washington “spoke” words of truth to me in the midst of me having a hard day. Here is a copy and paste of her response:

”I totally understand the desire to be that 'perfect' mom for our children from hard places... we feel they deserve more than us after all they've been through... but honestly I have had to recognize the part that Satan plays in those thoughts, at least in my head. He wants to discourage me and derail me, and perfectionism is a great weapon for him in that. I am the mom that GOD chose for Zeke, so saying that I am not good enough is saying that God messed up. He KNEW we were not perfect when he chose us! Be strengthened in the knowledge that you are not a perfect mom, but you are the perfect mom for all your kids because you are the one God chose for them.”

Here are the lyrics to a song we sang at night of worship on Friday night and then again at the weekend services…. It resonates so strongly with me… like water to a dry land as I proclaimed it and sang it. It’s not left my heart since… I sang it as I fed the babies, I sang it as I got ready for bed last night, listened to it as we hustled and bustled to get the older kids to their schools this morning, and I’m singing it now and want to share it with you. It’s a Hillsong worship song so listen to it online because it’s so beautiful and true.

FOREVER REIGN by Jason Ingram and Ruben Morgan
You are good, You are good….When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love ….On display for all to see
You are light, You are light ….When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope….You have covered all my sin

Oh, I’m running to your arms, I’m running to arms
The riches of your love..Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are peace, You are peace….When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true….Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy ….You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life….In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I’m running to your arms, I’m running to arms
The riches of your love..Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more….Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord…..All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here…..In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God….Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to your arms, I’m running to arms
The riches of your love...Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing , no other name….Jesus, Jesus

Well, I hope this encourages someone today… it’s encouraged and is continuing to encourage (put courage into) me… I LOVE this song… listen to it online… what an anthem to confess over and over WHO HE IS in the midst of our everyday lives.

Make me walk along the path of your commands,
for that is where my happiness is found." Psalm 119:35

Still learning to let go and enjoy the journey… I’m just a bit of a slow learner… but He is patient with me and my heart will sing no other name… JESUS, JESUS!!!
Have a wonderful day walking by the grace of God,
~ Mary